I said I’m sorry for this world, i said I’m sorry for your loneliness, your tears, your brokenness, your pain. I said I’m sorry for injustice, for poverty, for violence, for anger, for abused power. I said I’m sorry for all the rapists, suicidal bombers, pedophiles, wife beaters, alcoholics, arrogant pricks who break your best friends heart, next door neighbors who have music too loud and arguments too often. I said I’m sorry for the distance of your father and the insecurities of your mother, for the vain words of your self professed friend, for the lies that the media gives, spits, yells at you and your body that just-isn’t-good-enough.

My words might crease the sides of your mouth a little, might lighten your heart, give you some extra colour, make you want to love life just because it’s there. This is, until you look in the mirror or turn the t.v on and understand how the world really works. My words fall down some empty canyon that you can’t see the bottom of, and where my words end up resting. My perfect salutations of sorrow gives you nothing right now, and your still sitting with those magazines beside you, and those negative words in your head. My words don’t change anything.

Because you see we have to live with this world that boxes ‘perfect’ in this small little postcode in America where you drive fancy cars and have ‘negative’ dress sizes. Where you are only as valuable as the amount of friends you have, and the amount of friends that want you. Where charisma does matter, where looks do matter and where ‘not caring what other people think’ never really exists. As much as we don’t want to admit it, we are in this massive web of human co-dependency, nervously hanging onto each others insecruities like huge bags of precious stones.

People want to be loved, unless love has been abused in the past and misunderstood. Then you get lots and lots of bitterness, where they see the world without love, or ill-love, and snicker at everything that could be possibly real and true. People want to be accepted for who they are, they want to belong, they want to feel worth, that people actually care. If they hurt themselves then they want to know that people will visit them at the hospital. If they are sick then they want to know that people will drop off chicken soup or some other cliched comfort meal. If someone close to them dies they want to know that people will send cards in the mail to hope that they are okay.

The world is set up that most people have this, if not more, or less, much much less. Then there are those that don’t have any of it at all. They go crazy, they grow so lonely that they create imaginary friends and dream silly things just to keep themselves feeling human. Because humans were never meant to be islands, they were never meant to be alone, never meant to feel worth-less. Some drown themselves in bathtubs or hang themselves with ropes, loopholes perfect for heads to fit in. Some trap themselves in garages with their cars running.

These are the people that fall off the edge of the world. These are the people that you wouldn’t even know even through association. When i see someone at the train station, i wonder to myself how many people i would have to go through till i knew them through association. Hundreds? Thousands? There are people that no matter how many friends you went through, you would never know them. They are completely isolated, completely alone. The world dealt them a shoddy hand, they got the short piece of string, the bad end of the stick. The world tells them they have nothing to offer. All they have are their smelly clothes, annoying laughter or extreme disabilities. All they have to offer are your last thoughts, your frustrated glances when they ring, your rolling eyes when they annoy you.

This is the world that is, and these are the people we are.
Is this how it should be? I don’t think so. Can it change? I sure hope so.
I want to know why you feel so lonely. I want to know why other peoples opinions mean so much, why so many people are angry, unsatisfied, isolated and bitter. I want to know what God says about it all, and whether it will mean anything to us.

Because i don’t think people should just stay hurt and miserable and hope-less. I think people should ask questions, wonder why their lives are the way they are, and why the world is the way it is. Because to fix something that is broken, you must first know why it was broken in the first place before you attempt to fix it.

I think the world is more than plastic surgery and deepak chopra’s views on Jesus. This blog will work as a snippet of my life, as paintmesilly was a few months back. It wont be as structured as paintmesilly, and probably not as frequent. it will thai in thailand too, what is loved about it and what is not so loved.

I dedicate this blog to my friend and sister-in-Christ, Rachel Lee. Your writing has always inspired me, you know that. Thanks for being a friend over the years, i hope one day ill be able to write like you. I also dedicate it to my sister. I see Jesus in her everyday, thanks for everything sis, your a champion.
blessings friends.